Right now, I don’t get how it is possible for some people to just be so HAPPY and content with their lives. I’m in a stalemate right now and I can’t seem to get out. My worst enemy lives inside of me. I try so hard to fight this terrible, repulsive, UGLY demon inside of me, but I find myself going back and forth in circles, fortifying its existence even more. My mind is racing and I can’t seem to slow it down right now.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Occasionally, I’ve considered myself an “Albus Dumbledore -in - training” when it comes to self-help advice, positive affirmations, life lessons, and just any wisdom period (what can I say, I love being philosophical) ; I have so much uplifting knowledge stored in notebooks, journals, on my blackberry, Word Documents, in my Firefox bookmarks, and, of course, in my head. But for some reason, I haven’t been the dominant, collected “know-it-all”. I am never suicidal, EVER. But today is the first time that I thought to myself: The way things are going, the way people have dropped, rejected, and downright belittled me over the past few years, and the grim reality that I can’t find a definite person to connect with in my immediate surrounds(here in Chicago) and that all my close friends are so far away, I am not afraid to go if “2012” turns out to be a true story…
So, I’m strongly considering relocating to Blogger or Wordpress. No matter how hard I try to focus on my Tumblr , I always seem to get wrapped up in trying to gain followers(which I currently DO NOT have), comparing my Tumblr page to those of others, and the over jealousy and competitiveness this site generates! It’s high school all over again. It’s MYSPACE all over again.
Tumblr, you never fail to cause the slightest detriment to my ego.:P
“Elephants have been known to die of broken hearts if a mate dies. They refuse to eat and will lay down, shedding tears until they starve to death. They refuse all human help. Scientists are beginning to believe that animals do have emotions and that their feelings may be more intense and unfiltered than our own. Emotion rises from the old brain, the limbic system, which birds and reptiles as well as dogs, humans, and other mammals share. Humans have additional brain structures and symbolic language to process our feelings and a complex array of psychological defense mechanisms that allay or soften the impact of our emotions. We repress, deny, subjugate, dissociate, and use all kinds of conscious and unconscious machinations to separate ourselves from our feelings, but animals have no such recourse, so their emotions are likely to beraw and strong. In fact, this may be one of the reasons we find them so attractive: they wear their hearts on their sleeves, so to speak. People seem to deny the existence of animal emotions so that they can continue to justify inhumane treatment and exploitation and avoid the fact that our actions have a deep emotional impact on our fellow beings.”—(via aeloquence)
I like this question. A few years ago, in attempt to challenge the theory psychologists refer to as “Infantile Amnesia”, I actually began to compile a list of events I remember prior to when I was four. Of these memories, my earliest one might be of my first birthday party.
I remember the high energy, the bright colors, the numbers of people gathered in our Red Lion apartment, the late 80’s/barely 90’s tunes blaring from Dad’s stereo, the amount attention I received for being so CUTE and ADORABLE, and, most importantly, the purity and newness of my life.
“Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.”—Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid)